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Friday, October 06, 2006

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man oh man. reading all the past entries. perhaps i was too open. perhaps i was too closed. i really don't know. i really don't. but i remember the very first and the very last. creating this thing and then sayign good bye to it. i don't want to say good bye to it. i prefer to preserve and keep all of it. i prefer to not change a single word and to just let all the memories burn into me. the layout is the way i left it. the picture. the font. the song. this song brings so many memories. the comments from sophie. the comments from dozens of people who have read my entries and found them amazing. i think i have achieved one of my life goals. to touch people with my writing. to have such a hard impact on people with the words i put together with my sweat and my blood bursting through my pores. i put so much effort into my words. making sure that they are exactly the way i want them. with grammatical errors and spelling errors. with the twists and turns of odd puncuation marks. i put in my hurt. my frustration. hours of stupid middle school drama. 12.26.06. i put it all in there. if you read it carefully enough, you will see it. you will feel it. you will know it. you will get mad. you will shake your head. you will not understand. you will understand completely. but isn't that what i intended to do? to make you mad. to make you bite your tongue. to make you think good things. to make you think bad things. it's what the words are supposed to do. to soak you, to feel you. to hurt you. to revive you. to make sense. to make you decode. there is a secret in every writer's heart. there is a secret in everything. Everybody Has Secrets. And you will never be able to get all of them out. Some carry the deepest darkest ones, and others, they have lighthearted ones that they take to the grave that no one will know. You Will Die With A Secret. The nights. The days. oh goodness. i remember it all. just reading it all. laughing. scowling. shaking my head at the stupidity. the protected entries, i think i will make them public oneday. so so so so many protected entries. hundreds, thousands. i wrote more protected than public. and then as soon as i felt as if the protected was read and understood, i quickly reversed and made them private. counting the private entries, 120, 121, 122...160...and so forth. i never knew i put that much time into this thing. i probably spent a span of 20 years on this xanga. this xanga. xanga which isn't so popular anymore since myspace came in. but reading it. laughing at it. getting mad. wow.

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